What you don't expect when you're expecting

I’m a reader. I read books, I read magazines, I read several newspapers, and I even read the directions on how to set up my paper towel holder. I don’t like to go uniformed or look like a fool like someone in my house who installs the toilet seat upside down...which of course we didn’t notice until the 3 year old got a cut on his bum. But I digress. The fact of the matter is that I like to be prepared, to know what is coming, to have a plan of attack, so imagine my glee when I had my first child and I could stock up at the bookstore on myriads of books like, What to Expect When Expecting, Dr. Sears, and I even indulged in The Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy. With about 3 years worth of reading to do in 9 short months, I resorted to college days (minus the binge drinking and skipping class) and pulled a few all-nighters to get the work done.

When my little boy arrived, I was sure that I knew what I was doing. I knew that he would sleep at 3 hour stretches, I knew what color and consistency his poop would be, I even knew exactly when he would smile back at me. Ha! Turns out that while I was reading late at night, he was just sleeping through the whole thing. He didn’t pay attention at all.

So here I set off for impending motherhood completely convinced that I have done all my homework and I will be ready for any challenge that is presented to me. (Do you hear all the veteran mothers laughing their asses off right now?) Yes, you can only imagine my surprise (read: horror) when instead of sleeping for 3 hour stretches, he slept for 2… aghh…that’s not what they told me. You can just see the look on my face when instead of pooping 6-10 times a day as a newborn, he didn’t poop at all. You read that right…he didn’t poop AT ALL. (What you really should have seen was the look when he finally did poop after a newborn suppository) And imagine my distress when I realized that I had to clean his circumcised penis…again, they didn’t mention that in the books. I know it’s not a pretty topic people but you could have at least put it in a small box on a page in the back and maybe mentioned all the business about flaps, folds, and alcohol swabs.

Within 48 hours of having this adorable little bundle of joy I knew at the very least 2 things and with the amount of sleep deprivation that was going on being able to recall those 2 things was remarkable. The first thing I knew was that the library of books that I read throughout my pregnancy did nothing to prepare me for this baby and the second thing I knew was I didn’t know shit about this bundle of joy who at the time was apparently trying to suck my nipple right off my boob. Don’t worry honey, I wasn’t very attached to it anyway.