Baby Weight

20-30 pounds. My ass. Well...that is exactly where it landed ...on my ass. But that is what all the books tell you a normal person should gain during their pregnancy. And unless normal means Nicole Richie or Nicole Kidman, you can expect the scale to rise just a bit more than what they tell you. In fact you should have seen the look of horror on my husband's face when he realized that I gained more than 55 pounds. Yeah boy, you're married to a fat ass!

Part of the problem, for me at least, is that I am a lifetime dieter. I have Jenny Craiged, Weight Watched, Nutri-Systemed, E-Dieted, and Atkinsed my whole adult life so when I found out that I was pregnant...watch out Jesus...I started eating. Holy cow! There was a list as long as a 5 year old's letter to Santa of what I wanted to eat. I think it started with Cinnabon and ended with onion rings and if it had saturated fat, grease or fried bits it certainly made the cut. 300 extra calories a day of mostly dairy, fruits and veggies...you talkin' to me? I didn't think so.

You see, I was completely dellusional about all the weight gain. Yeah, yeah, we can blame all the media attention on the celebrities losing their weight immediately, but I am too smart to truly believe that crap. I just figured that it wouldn't be too hard to get back to my original weight after the baby was born. I wasn't skinny pre-kids, and so I held no hopes that I would be skinny post-kids. But what I did think was that within a week or two I would be back in my pre-pregnancy clothes. If only my laughing right now would laugh my cinnabon ass off.

I clearly remember going home right from the hospital and walking into my closet and trying to put on a pair of jeans. No matter the discomfort having a nine pound baby was giving me, I just had to see if they would fit. If you saw the Friends episode where Ross tried to get his leather pants back on sweaty legs...well then you have a good idea how I looked with the jeans stuck at my knees and going no further.

"No worries" my dellusion said to me. You're breast feeding, the weight will come off really fast.

Again, I think that laughing may work faster than breast feeding did for me.